PsychologistSay...
Everyday life can be tricky - impossible even, and talking about it can be even more challenging. Trust me; I get it - being human has its challenges. Hello, I’m Dr. Tami, a Licensed Clinical Psychologist. I create candid conversations about what Psychologists are Saying related to everyday situations. I combine Indigenous & Modern Day Psychology - helping us understand behaviors impacting ourselves and others.PS: Here's to Being Human.
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PsychologistSay...
Rediscovering Your Past to Transform Your Present
What if the key to understanding your adult struggles lies hidden in your childhood memories? On this episode of Psychologist Say, I, Dr. Tami, introduce Harold, our new official podcast production team member, as we embark on an insightful journey into unmet emotional needs. We explore how crucial nurturing and responsive care from parents are to a child's emotional development and how a parent's reaction to their child's crying can have long-lasting effects. Uncover how these early experiences manifest in adulthood, often triggering memories and shaping our emotional health.
Childhood emotional trauma can leave deep scars that follow us into adult relationships. Harold and I emphasize the importance of doing personal "homework" to understand our histories and the traumas that shape us. We also stress the need for self-compassion and the acknowledgment of our parents' humanity and imperfections. By processing difficult comments and revelations and seeking professional help for intense traumas, we can better manage the impact they have on our well-being and foundational beliefs.
Supportive relationships are vital for emotional growth and self-discovery. We discuss how having friends who provide both support and honest feedback can reshape our self-perceptions, especially when they challenge our internal negative beliefs. As we highlight the value of self-awareness and compassion in breaking unhealthy relationship patterns, we remind you that many might already be doing this emotional work unknowingly. Tune in to learn more about how self-compassion and supportive friendships can guide you on your journey toward healthier relationships and personal growth.
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The following is a series of candid conversations. The content is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for seeking help from a mental health care professional. To learn more info regarding additional disclaimers, privacy policies and terms and conditions, please visit hellodrtammycom.
Speaker 2:Bonjour, welcome to Psychologist Say, a podcast where I talk about the psychology of everyday living. I'm your host, Dr Tammy. I'm joined today by Harold, who has been a guest on our show, and we would like to introduce him now as an official podcast production team member. Welcome, Harold, Thank you. Thank you, I'm excited to be here, excited to be part of the team. Welcome.
Speaker 1:Harold, thank you, thank you. I'm excited to be here, excited to be part of the team. Yeah, let's do this.
Speaker 2:Yes, we're excited to have you. So today I think it's a good time for us to start talking about just our emotions. I've done podcasts where we talk about trouble with regulating emotions, understanding them, labeling your emotions, and today I want to dive into a topic of unmet emotional needs. So right away, when I you know you're giving me a look like what are you thinking just by hearing that term?
Speaker 1:It sounds a little daunting, to be honest. I mean, when you think of unmet emotional needs, I guess the first thing that comes to mind is like within, like a relationship or childhood emotional needs.
Speaker 2:Definitely so when you're talking, definitely so when you're talking. As human nature during childhood and infancy, when we're unable to fend for ourselves and meet those emotional needs, we're really relying on those adults and other human beings around us to give us exactly what we inherently need and desire. Now, that's part of looking at having a reciprocal relationship, so a very good and healthy back and forth, so with an unmet emotional need, this is something that definitely can go back to early, early infancy and even during your, when you're in the womb. Oh, that early we're spending much more time talking to and getting to know our patients and bringing them back to really looking at times when they weren't fully aware, times that maybe they don't realize are part of an unmet need that they're trying to fulfill in adulthood. That actually could have been something that was right from the beginning.
Speaker 1:So, like even before we even could develop memories, we developed like these Internal, internal, okay, these internal, like these internal things we want or need, even until adulthood.
Speaker 2:Right, okay, these internal things we want or need, even until adulthood, very in tuned with her child's development, able to seek out medical care and follow, you know, all of this like really nurturing stuff right from the get go, versus maybe a mother who's really struggling with the pregnancy, really having maybe a lot of stress associated with it, really having maybe a lot of stress associated with it, maybe they don't have the resources to really, you know, feel like they're fully set up to embrace a moment like that, and so the biology and the chemistry and the exchange between mother and child all happens right there.
Speaker 1:Wow, that's information I never knew about, wow.
Speaker 2:And that's one of those great reasons that these conversations can really get listeners thinking about. Sometimes our unmet need maybe something that we really haven't sat and thought about or even considered, because maybe we're maybe a little bit unaware it was unmet.
Speaker 1:Yeah, completely unaware, especially if it happens that early in life.
Speaker 2:And so I think it's already like that's one example. And looking at infancy, where when a child cries that there is something, they're crying because there's an unmet need, and so there is unmet physical need, there's unmet. In terms of tactile touch, there is unmet. And then there's today, what we're talking about is that unmet emotional, so that giving the feelings the reinforcement Today, what we're talking about, that, what would be a healthy and definitely unexpected outcome, would to try to comfort them in a time of hurt. And so when a child experiences the opposite, that yes, as in like the opposite.
Speaker 1:As in like the opposite. As in like no, like nobody's there for them, nobody's coming, or, or even worse, where they, you know, maybe the person that they want that emotional need from uh acts in the completely opposite direction, maybe, um, making, making them feel bad in some way.
Speaker 2:Yes. So when we talk about an example, it's exactly opposite. When you think about a parent, when you're crying and you're hurt and you're injured, the reaction that you're expecting is love, nurturance and care and compassion to help you feel better. And so whenever a child is met with, maybe even just being ignored, nobody's coming or met with why are you crying? You really kind of met with or met with anxiety oh my gosh, you're hurt. What did you do? Met with panic and fear from the parent. So do you see how there's multiple ways that a child would have mixed signals there?
Speaker 1:Oh, absolutely, absolutely.
Speaker 2:I see your brain.
Speaker 1:You're definitely there, you just gave me like a flashback to childhood so discreet this is kind of a heavy one. I don't know if I should be saying this one.
Speaker 2:Well, I think right now, and this is a really good moment for even us to educate listeners whenever we start to talk about things, um, that that start to be the word is triggering, yeah, and that's something that we never want to, um, we never want to go dive in, diving into an open wound that maybe isn't ready to be fully examined yeah, yeah, yeah, we'll go with that well and and the good.
Speaker 2:the thing is like some of the thoughts are coming up. This is good for listeners to start to go okay, what do I do when I'm starting to be triggered? And when I say triggered, it's like, oh boy, a memory is popping up and with this memory I am having a physiological reaction, right. And when we feel triggered, our brain actually thinks we're back in that situation.
Speaker 1:In that moment.
Speaker 2:Yep, and so even with you, I want you to really check in with me, check in with what you're doing here. I always ask the people I'm talking to how old are you right now? What are you doing right now? And the brain starts to go oh boy, you know this. I'm not there. So, but that takes work to work your brain out of a memory. It's it's almost as if it's putting on a movie and the brain is thinking it's happening now. So it's re-feeling any of those uncomfortable physical and emotional feelings, as if it's happening now right, right.
Speaker 1:So, like say, the moment I was thinking of it's a negative moment, a very negative moment in my life. Yeah, and I guess, yeah, I guess, as you were talking about, I was in my head, I was reliving that exact moment and I guess, yeah, some negative emotions did kind of fill into me there a little bit.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and see what you described. There was a bit of you kind of fell into me there a little bit.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and see what you described.
Speaker 2:there was a bit of you kind of left the room then, yeah, I guess I did. Yeah, yeah, and so, and sometimes you know this is a really good thing too. Sometimes therapists aren't fully aware when they're talking to somebody and I'm not your therapist, but this is good for people to know. Sometimes we're not aware when our patient has left the room. Sometimes it's very obvious, depending on you. Just feel that they've checked out. They may start to stare off into the distance and that's where I say your therapist guides you back. So we don't want therapy to be uncomfortable, we want to educate and teach and prepare somebody to go talking about issues, and this is my form of therapy the. You know what I do. So this isn't everybody, but this is a model that I work with and several people. The more we learn about some trauma, some hurts Not every hurt is a trauma, so we could be triggered of a hurtful memory. It's not a trauma, but, yikes, we're feeling uncomfortable thinking about it.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:And it's kind of like similar to maybe that intrusive thought where it popped in your mind but this was more triggered because we were actually talking about early childhood and then these different responses that could have happened and guess what we might have came so close to one that your memory bulb went boom and then you kind of had this flashback or intrusive imagery of that going on. And so that's what can happen when you're listening to a podcast or if you're watching a movie. This can happen often for people without them knowing they've watched something that just triggered them because they're feeling it at a level that's so uncomfortable and personal, and so those are really good things for people to take note of when they're feeling personally triggered by something around them and it is a good time to go. Whoa, I got to check in with this. What just happened there?
Speaker 1:Right. So with this situation that just happened with you know I had that thought, but at least I know where it came from. I know the source or the root of the thought. What about the people like you mentioned, the people that you know? Things happen so early in childhood, or even in the womb where, where, where do they? Where's that foundation for them? How do they move on from that?
Speaker 2:I think part of it is just doing your homework, and so doing homework means there may be some questions that you have to ask if you're able. Some people are not able to do the homework because the resources aren't there.
Speaker 1:Right Resources, as in you're talking about, like asking your parents or something like that.
Speaker 2:Yes, so it's where there could be a relationship that you're unable to mend because they may no longer be here.
Speaker 1:Yep, or maybe it's not a good idea to even speak to them.
Speaker 2:Right or yes, so there's several reasons why we may not get to do our homework.
Speaker 1:That's not unavailable to those people at least.
Speaker 2:Right. But even understanding it can help us have more compassion for ourselves. Okay, gone through the times when nobody met my needs and I really struggled.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Or sometimes my people would meet my needs, and other times it was just so inconsistent that I never felt safe or secure. Yeah, and when I got that need met it felt so good.
Speaker 1:It does.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I felt like I'm loved, I'm important, but when that need goes away.
Speaker 2:I don't know it feels, I don't know, not good, right, I know it doesn't feel good or that next time when you you need and it's not met with that same love and compassion, this time it's maybe met with distance, maybe there's anger or a wall. It's like today, maybe I can't handle it or I'm having my own bad days. So get over it, don't offend for yourself today. And so I think that's many people, that's where I's, that's many people you know, that's where I think many kids have gone through that.
Speaker 1:Oh, for sure.
Speaker 2:Because our parents are, they were. They're human, whether we have one or two or we have a whole village. That raises us.
Speaker 1:And especially if the parents are young, because they're still especially in your early twenties, there's a lot of growing that are that's still occurring and uh, so for me I guess there's like a forgiveness.
Speaker 2:That's kind of there that I understand, I guess understand is like I would tell people have a balance with that of acknowledgement and that's where that self-compassion comes in.
Speaker 2:There are some things that I, you, know. Sometimes we may even hear something about our childhood, or maybe we didn't know, but all of a sudden our sibling says you know, you, mom and dad were done, but then you came along, they didn't want any more children. Something like that, a comment to a young kid, or even an adult, could really shake what you thought was some kind of foundation. So that's how tricky and tough. That's how tricky and tough and, I guess, subtle, these hurts can come in and affect our well-being and our sense of how well we feel that we're able to get our needs met, because just hearing that can start to shake you a little bit to the core, to the core. So that one example you can think of billion right.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, you could build a whole lot off of that.
Speaker 2:Right, that's the piece of really trying to understand how many things could happen in our life that shake our ability to be the healthiest, most loving, happiest giving compassionate person.
Speaker 1:That we can be.
Speaker 2:That we can be, but that's the compassion piece of okay. The more I understand myself and my history, and the several hurts that maybe I don't even know about and the ones that I do definitely have shaped the way I interact with people today. They interact how much I, how well I can function in a relationship, and it's a good place to do homework, because most of our life is building relationships. Oh, yeah, for sure. And then so I think the most important thing is to think about how do I do some homework on myself, and not just in terms of self-care or getting my nails done or getting a massage. This is, how do I really start to look at me and some of the needs that maybe weren't met?
Speaker 1:That internal work.
Speaker 2:That eternal work, yeah, and if the internal work, you can keep it at whatever level you want, if the internal work, you can keep it at whatever level you want. That's a wonderful thing of having power over what kind of work you want to do. If you're worried that some of the work does include some traumas or some hurts that could be pretty intense, it's definitely good to have somebody that's guiding you and helping you through that and helping you understand what a trigger is, what a flashback is, what an intrusive thought is, and what your brain is doing in terms of taking something from your past and when it's brought up, it's as if it's currently on the timeline, like it's happening now, yeah, and the brain needs to be able to separate that from. Oh wait, that's a snapshot of something that happened in the past.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:So I don't have to re-feel all those uncomfortable feelings.
Speaker 1:But it can be difficult to not feel that.
Speaker 2:You bet and that's the part of the work is going through it, and that's part of some people where they decide, well, yeah, this is bothering me enough or I feel like I don't know how to do that that's a really good time to say, okay, so maybe this would be a good time for me to seek some help, have somebody walk me through this, instead of me tackling this on my own somebody walk me through this instead of me tackling this on my own. Yeah, you're going to get that, so it is it's.
Speaker 1:This conversation became a little bit more of the ones we've had so far. This is the one that kind of, I guess, hit me harder than I expected. I didn't, I didn't, yeah, wow.
Speaker 2:Are you doing okay right now?
Speaker 1:Yeah, I'm doing just fine, Just cause this is not like something I'm, you know I try to bury or anything like that but uh, but it's deep. Yeah, it is, it's very deep.
Speaker 2:And I think it's deep for everybody who's listening. Uh, I think it's the thing that we maybe always know. You know, this happened when I was a kid, or anytime you watch a movie, a documentary, there is a lot of times they go back to the past, right the flashbacks, or you're getting more of the story of well, why is this person struggling as an adult? Well, why is this person struggling as an adult? And it's very rare that the movie doesn't do a flashback to oh whoa, they experienced that. Yeah, A reveal, A reveal of what shaped their current struggles.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:So that's the thing where we get to do that work on ourselves and hopefully that's where our compassion comes into play and do. I want to now try to establish and work through healthier ways of being so that my past pain doesn't continue to maybe have me hurt others as a result, or put past it down through the generations.
Speaker 2:Beautiful, right, I mean. And that again is a whole nother, yeah, yeah, that again is a whole nother, yeah. So today we were just really getting into a very big topic that is open in so many areas of psychology, probably every area of life. But it's really to say that we all have emotions, that we want to be able to meet our own needs. Yet, you know, we just don't function that way. It's not human nature.
Speaker 1:We rely on others.
Speaker 2:We rely on others, and part of relying on others is starting to understand when we're in relationships maybe, where we're relying on somebody who is hurtful. And we continually get our unmet needs, continue to go unmet.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:Because that feels normal. So we're gravitating towards normalcy, so we were gravitating towards normalcy. So a lot of the people I work with I just say, you know, it's not a surprise that you're in a very difficult relationship with somebody who's emotionally unavailable with, given what you've told me about the way you were raised and the struggles you've endured. So it's, you know, and I think just people hearing that, they're like oh wow, I did exactly what I, you know, felt normal to me. I didn't just choose somebody maladaptive or hurtful. I went to what felt totally normal and I'm unhappy with it still, but I can't, it's, it's hard for me to pull away from it. Well, that's, that's part of um not seeing that you, you're gravitating towards balance and then. So it takes a big shift to look for something opposite and to then give that enough time to become your new norm.
Speaker 1:Yeah, a lot of adjustments there.
Speaker 2:Oh, yes, so I mean, we were talking about really big stuff, you know then, that, yes, yeah, really big stuff. You know then, yes, I love it, though I mean, I think that our listeners that we've talked about these bigger topics this is going into. We're in our third season now, yeah, and I think that our listeners really are gravitating to this show because they like to have these conversations. They maybe are looking for some stimulating conversations about areas like this that are deep and that I don't just have one simple answer for.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:But it's more of the open dialogue that we're having, the discussion that gets these little light bulbs going for them.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, hey, how are you doing? I'm doing good, yeah, like I said, I guess I'm processing a lot of stuff right now.
Speaker 2:I love that. I mean and that's when our listeners when you hear that I'm processing, many of you may pause the show and just process a little bit. That means your brain's going. It's just like eating a big steak dinner and I have to digest this. Yeah Well, I mean psychology's going. It's just like eating a big steak dinner and I have to digest this.
Speaker 1:Yeah Well, I mean psychology in general. That's a heavy, complex topics. They can be very abstract and you got to do a lot of self-reflection to kind of work through this stuff. So like pausing the podcast and thinking about stuff is perfectly normal, Perfect, Okay, and that you know that stuff is perfectly normal, perfect Okay, and that you know.
Speaker 2:That brings up another point. Yes, if you're feeling triggered, uncomfortable, that is, of course, you know, not our intent. This is not any kind of therapeutic setting, very aware that he's able to. You know, he knows what he's able to share and now he's able to communicate. He can back away at any time. That's the same for our listeners, and so some things may be feeling uncomfortable. You can just shut it off. It doesn't mean you have to pause it. You can just shut it off. It doesn't mean you have to pause it. It's something that you need to be ready to want to listen to a conversation about, and that is part of you taking care of yourself. Is saying, oh, I'm not ready to listen to this today, yep, or maybe I want to do some more of my own homework and reading about this before I sit and listen to an open discussion about it.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:Those are all really good ways to take your time being part of this kind of discussion that can feel intense.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, I mean, this has been intense A little bit.
Speaker 2:Well, yeah, and for our listeners too, hopefully that everybody's feeling like they're getting some idea of these emotional needs, and when they're unmet, we will try to get them met in whatever way that we can, and so those are some of the other topics that we can talk about. We'll bring up unmet needs often. Everybody has them.
Speaker 1:We all have different levels, we all have different stages of where we acknowledge yeah, this comes in all kinds of different areas of life right, every, yeah, every aspect of it. Yes, yeah, this comes in all kinds of different areas of life right, every, yeah, every aspect of it. Yes, okay.
Speaker 2:It's where we, a lot of what we believe about ourselves is formed by age six. So those are our before. Our brain can really it's taking everything as is so. That's why these early relationships are so vital, because that's where we create who we are, based off of the feedback we get from others, and so, as an adult, your brain can look and say, no, that's not right, that's irrational, that isn't true. But when you're young and you're getting this feedback, your brain's going, it's concrete, it's saying okay, okay.
Speaker 1:Because that's all you know.
Speaker 2:That's what you're told and your brain isn't at a level to sit and really go. Oh wait, let me dissect what you just, let me process what you just told me and see how much of it is true, how much of it is bullshit, how much of it is bullshit, how much of it is about you and the day you're having. Our brain is not set to do that yet.
Speaker 1:Think at face value kind of.
Speaker 2:Yes, it's concrete, it's there. It becomes part of our internal network, of who we are. So, when you think about whatever went on until about age six and now you're, you know, 40, oh, wow, you know the beliefs I have in myself. I established at age six and maybe I haven't even challenged those. Yeah, I imagine most people haven't. Well, I, I. I think what happens is that's part of our. It's a. It becomes our internal voice or our internal belief about ourselves that we don't challenge. And when other people do we dismiss, people do we dismiss. So if a core belief is I'm flawed, there's something wrong with me as an adult, we may not challenge that Every time we mess up, our thought would go back to see that's because there's something wrong with me. And if somebody during adulthood, if we really believe that another adult just can't look at it oh, of course that's not your fault. What are we going to do?
Speaker 1:with that. If we don't believe that, well, if we don't believe it, then we'll probably just get thrown out.
Speaker 2:We just look at them, just miss it, or okay, thank you for that. That wasn't helpful, but thank you for trying. Yeah, it's really hard for us to change that core belief, no matter what's coming at us, but it can be done. I think it's these kind of conversations going okay. So, yeah, this is how I've thought about myself from an early age, when I wasn't able to really dissect this and see how much of it is valid. Yeah, what piece of it actually is maybe part of me? What piece of it is part of just the people around me and the way they handled life and the way they were raised?
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:So it's all of that. You know where you look at, how complex it is. But then to say, well, okay, what parts of my internal belief do I want to now challenge about myself?
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Because I can. I can change these now.
Speaker 1:It's difficult to do that by yourself, though, like I, I'm kind of seeing like through, like uh, even just talking to somebody, whether it be a therapist or somebody else, like it's good to have someone you trust, um kind of looking at you from an outside perspective.
Speaker 2:There and that could be a piece of it. Yeah, perspective, and that could be a piece of it. The other is, if you find yourself with somebody that you really care about and it's been a good relationship, those are people that are challenging you repeatedly and so if they continually counter your negative belief that you're sharing with them part of it is eventually are you going to start to let them in and believe that right? So if somebody keeps saying, no, that's not you, you know, of course, you're lovable, I love you, you know. Whatever this, if you have a really genuine person, that's where a lot of people, I think, do this work on their own without knowing it. They formed some kind of relationship or relationships with friends where they're consistently hearing the opposite of what they thought was true about themselves. So a lot of people, I think, are doing this work without knowing it. There you go are doing this work without knowing it. Okay, there you go, like. So I always uh, when I talk to my for me, I always have my uh friend that I know.
Speaker 2:uh, if I need support, she's gonna have my back, no matter what, even if I did wrong yeah and then I have my friend who's gonna call me out of my bullshit, give me a little bit of where I'm. You know, I'm a year, yeah, but also you're, you know.
Speaker 1:Yep, I like to have. I personally like to have a variety of friends like that too.
Speaker 2:Right so yeah.
Speaker 2:So I think it's learning to do this kind of find those people that can really help look at you and see the way they're seeing you, and if it's definitely something that's opposite of your internal like if I'm flawed, I'm bad or I'm worthless, I'm unlovable, and people consistently tell you different, consistently tell you different and so starting to, I think that's where people are already doing this work. You know they're they're gravitating, or they could be or should be gravitating towards people who are doing that for them. Great, there we go. Well, you know what Harold is really thinking here, and so I think this is a good time to say we're going to wrap up this.
Speaker 2:This is just our first dive into unmet emotional needs, but I definitely talked about this and other episodes. I don't know if I actually labeled them this, but if you go back and listen to, there is an episode on attachment, so I think that would be a really helpful episode for our listeners. If you're really getting into this, that's a great one to go and listen to and do some of your homework. There's one on self-esteem, even imposter syndrome. I mean all of these earlier episodes to go and listen to some of them and it's going to make more sense about how these unmet needs are influencing how we're functioning as adults and that going back doing some of the homework, that's part of us starting to understand ourselves a bit better. Right, right, Okay, Well, thank you, Harold.
Speaker 1:Yeah, no problem, no problem, Thank you. And one term I like that you mentioned that I don't know if I've ever heard before is self-compassion. I like that and let's keep that.
Speaker 2:Well, I love that. Well, why don't we end our PS with that then? Sure so PS self-compassion, let's keep that.